The Sweet Deal

So. Why am I starting this page now.

Tomorrow, I embark on a new and scary journey: I'll be meeting with an Endocrinologist.
I'm hoping that this will give me answers, some way, some how.

To fully get into this though, there has to be some background information. . .

As a child, I was active, and fun. Knobby knees and lanky legs up until the end of high school. I was skinny, blonde, and happy. It's hard for most people to pinpoint when that changes, when they know that they were no longer the way they were, but for me, it's incredibly easy. When I was 18 and a senior in high school, I gained almost 40 lbs. My 5'2" frame jumped from 120 lbs. to almost 160. I had a VERY hard time dealing with this, as it seemed nothing changed with my lifestyle and there was no reason for this drastic gain. I was in gym class, working out at home, very active outside with lawn work and doing things with friends and my baby sisters. I was in marching band and was always running around for games or other activities. Even though it sucked,  I could still deal with the new, but slightly chubby, version of me.

Fast forward, and college happened. My first year was stressful. My first room was a double sized room with 3 people pushed into it. It.Was.A.Mess. I had a loft bed, which meant that I literally had one small area of the room- tiny closet, desk under my bed, and my bed. One of my roommates drank all the time and kept alcohol in the room regularly. She also had countless guys into the room- one night, I even woke up while she was having sex in the room while I was sleeping! The other roommate was from my home area, also in band with me, but had her own stressors- she was dating a very dangerous and highly scary boy who was very verbally and physically abusive towards her. I moved out as fast as I could. My next roommate has become a close frend, although living with her for the first year was a nightmare- she was one of those kids who goes to college and learns what it means to have freedom. I had a lot of late nights, a lot of stress, and a lot of headaches, haha. But, I was happy that I didn't gain any more weight. I think all of the walking to classes really did help.

My sophomore year started off great. I was with my third roommate, and was challenging myself to do well. She was an honors student, so I thought living with her would be the push I needed. I tried. I began to get overwhelmed with a few of my classes, and didn't know that it would be easy to drop them or change them- I thought I'd be stuck in them where I was, which made me miserable. I began to get sick a lot, which I contribute to dormitory living. But it wasn't "horrible" persay. I gained a little more weight, but noticed I also wasn't losing any, despite still being just as active and not really changing any of my habits in eating, besides maybe eating a bit later than I'd have liked some nights due to late classes. I noticed, though, that I started having a lot of trouble waking. I would be incredibly sluggish, sometimes forgetting what day it was, was falling asleep in my classes, wouldn't wake up to my alarm going off, or even worse, would get up and turn the alarm off without knowing it. I would talk in my sleep and not know it. It got so bad that at one point I went to the campus nurses to ask about it. I don't remember the outcome, as I'm pretty sure nothing happened, but felt like I was on my own to just figure it out. I ended the year well enough, but was still battling the sleep issues.

Then, my junior year, it all went to shit. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. I lost my job in my dorm and had to move into a new building where I didn't know anyone. My former roommate and best friend stopped talking to me pretty much. I was alone, depressed, angry, hurt, and miserable. I almost failed out of all of my classes, I lost financial aid, and I was all around just incredibly depressed. I was in a deep funk. After my grandfather died, I lost about 20 lbs. but not in a healthy way - I had just stopped eating. I was having a VERY hard time waking up and was tired.all.the.time. I cried all.the.time. I started seeing campus counseling, but felt that they weren't helping. Then, I was taken to the hospital one night for intense pains in my side- I thought for sure it was my appendix. Come to find out, I had a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst. What this means is that a cyst is filled with blood. It was INCREDIBLY painful. This lead to a few new doctor's appointments, more cysts being found, and starting on a BC pill. the BC pill can often lead to.... yep, you guessed it, weight gain. :-/

Fast forward to now. It took about 6 years for me to double in weight from the beginning of my senior year. I am still tired all the time. I've been for sleep studies (nothing was found except that I snore like crazy), blood tests, thyroid tests (enlarged, but nothing to worry about and nothing abnormal in an ultrasound scan), have had surgery for a deviated septum and have had my gallbladder removed due to cholesterol ribbons that were forming and causing pain.

I've been on Metformine (1000 mg), Januvia (50 mg), and for a while was taking Byetta, then Victoza shots. Now, my doctor is talking insulin.

I've tried diets, excersize routines, bought new workout equipment (and used it!), tried a paleo diet and cut out all processed foods, have stopped drinking soda and started calorie counting. . . you name it, I feel like I've done it.

And.It's.Not.Done.A.Damn.Thing.

I haven't been able to lose any weight. My A1C has gone up, not down. I'm still battling depression and as of late self-loathing. I'm still tired.all.the.time. I have frequent headaches.

So tomorrow, I embark on a new journey with an endocrinologist who studies diabetes and hormone related issues. I am PRAYING that there are some answers. I can't believe I'm about to say it, but I hope that something is wrong so that I finally feel like IT CAN BE CORRECTED.

The laughing joke with myself and my friends and family is that I'm a control freak. It's true- I like to ensure that I have control of things. That things are going how I want them to. That I know what's happening in my life.

But the most frustrating thing in the world is feeling like I have no control over my own body.

Hi, my name is ... and I'm a diabetic.

I am a diabetic.

There was a time when I wouldn't say that word out loud. I was afraid to admit it, and I was ashamed, and afraid of what it meant for me.

In Spring 2010, I became a statistic.

25.8 million children and adults in the United States—8.3% of the population—have diabetes.

There were 1.9 million new cases of diabetes are diagnosed in people aged 20 years and older in 2010.

12.6 million, or 10.8% of all women aged 20 years or older have diabetes.

I am an American female, now 28 years old, overweight, and diabetic.

And I feel like I have no control over my own life.




I am starting this blog to begin to chronicle a little bit of what I'm going through, in the hopes that maybe someone, somewhere, somehow will find this page and it will not only help myself but help them as well.

Diabetes will not become my death sentence. I refuse it.