Dear Future me, 

Every day I think about you. Many times in fact. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder where you are. I wonder if you are happy. I wonder if you reached your goals. I wonder if you're doing things that you always wanted to do.. Sometimes I feel scared.. I wonder if you're still the same, or changed for the worst.. I wonder if you're lonely.. or stuck in a rut.. I wonder if you're bitter or still optimistic about life.. I wonder if you got to wear that black dress.. I wonder if you learned to dance.. I wonder if you learnt a new language.. I wonder if you traveled to far off places.. I wonder if you inspire people.. I wonder if you are loved.. I wonder if you are making art.. I wonder if you learnt to play that organ you bought.. I wonder if you ran a marathon.. I wonder if you went hiking lately.. I wonder.. and wonder some more..

Dear future me,

I want to tell you that I am working really hard today.. for you. And I hope that you haven't let me down. I hope you are keeping up the good work and taking it to next level. I hope you're learning everyday, trying out new things, pushing yourself as much as you can. I hope you've learnt to forgive & forget. I hope you're in the greatest shape of your life.. I hope you've learnt to take things easy. I hope you've realized that all this worrying is of no use. I hope you've realized that whatever happens, happens for the best. I hope you're proud of yourself. And I know you're onto accomplishing great things in future. And I hope you're taking care of yourself.. for your future self..

Dear future me, 

In case things are great today.. and you've achieved a lot of what you wanted.. I want to tell you that this is not the end.. you've to keep pushing harder, striving to be the best you can be.. keep walking.. keep learning.. keep growing.. but at the same time.. stop once in a while to enjoy your present.. appreciate the small miracles around you.. don't take anything.. no matter how big or small.. for granted.. love your family.. stick to your friends.. be nice to people not as fortunate as you.. encourage those who are struggling like you were at one point of time.. laugh a lot.. travel.. sing.. paint.. and dance.. but most of all understand.. this too shall pass.. so make sure you're prepared for anything.. stay strong..

Dear future me,

In case things aren't so great.. I want to tell you that this indeed is not the end.. You've failed a lot of times before.. but remember that, you've always bounced back.. You're a strong spirit.. stronger than you know.. stronger than you can imagine.. and no matter how hard today is.. you'll bounce back from this too.. So get up & get going.. It's never too late to change things.. true that you can't control a lot of things.. but you can control your efforts.. just keep giving your best.. sooner or later, it will turn around.. don't be a victim.. you're in charge of your own life.. you can overcome whatever the limitations.. stop crying about the past.. it's gone.. now it's you and a great future in the making.. I have forgiven you.. and now it's time that you forgive yourself too.. times might have changed.. but you're you. And there's no one youer than you. :)

So Many Things.

I met with a new Endocrinologist last weekend. I'll be seeing both him and his nurse prac. when I visit. I really liked them both. They were realistic, very open and honest, but also have real expectations. I told them some of the changes I've been making and they were both very pleased because it shows that I'm trying to do things differently. I told them that I've seriously cut down carbs, I'm drinking more water and a LOT less soda (although I still have the occasional), that I'm monitoring my foods, testing my sugars a lot more, and am overall just trying to be healthier. I admitted that I could kick exercise up a notch, but wanted to focus on food first before throwing in too much into the system. They both agreed that one thing at a time is good enough, and even went so far as to break it down one thing at a time. "This week, I will remove all sodas from my diet." "This week, I will maintain a steady ____ carbs per day." etc. to help not feel overwhelmed. I like that they were real with me.  I then went for an updated bloodwork test, and got my results within two days! Here's what they sent back:

1. Hemoglobin AIC Results:We would like to see this test of long term sugar control (gives us an idea of the average blood sugar level over the past roughly two months) running less than 7% .

HEMOGLOBIN, A1C(%)
Coll Dt/Tm Resulted Value Status
-----------------------------------------------
1/23/14 3:49P 1/24/14 7.3* FINAL 

Note: The last test I had, my A1C was at a 10!!!! This is a MAJOR win!!!

2. These normal results tells us that there is no evidence of Diabetic kidney disease.

MICROALBUMIN RATIO(mg/g creat)
Coll Dt/Tm Resulted Value Status
-----------------------------------------------
1/23/14 3:49P 1/24/14 <4 FINAL

CREATININE(mg/dL)
Coll Dt/Tm Resulted Value Status
-----------------------------------------------
1/23/14 3:49P 1/23/14 0.9 FINAL

GFR ESTIMATED(mL/min)
Coll Dt/Tm Resulted Value Status
-----------------------------------------------
1/23/14 3:49P 1/23/14 >60.0 FINAL


3. The LDL cholesterol is too high for someone with Diabetes. Since people with Diabetes are at significantly higher risk of developing heart disease compared to other people, we like to try to keep the LDL level at least less than 100. We can either add simvastatin 20 mg daily or continue to make diet changes and recheck your lipid panel in 3 months. Let me know your choice. Eat more vegetables, fruits and whole grains, fish and skinless chicken. Avoid fatty meats, fried food, whole milk, cheese and butter. Bake, boil, or broil / No frying.

LDL (DIRECT MEASURE)(mg/dL)
Coll Dt/Tm Resulted Value Status
-----------------------------------------------
1/23/14 3:49P 1/23/14 117 FINAL

There was a time when my LDL levels were near a 200 or higher (I don't remember exact numbers, just that my doctor about shit his pants!)  Seeing that I'm 17 points away from what they'd LIKE to see, I'm ecstatic! Diet and further exercise all the way! My endo is giving me the freedom to wait until my next appointment to see if this number changes at all.

4. TSH Results:Normal thyroid test.

TSH(uIU/mL)
Coll Dt/Tm Resulted Value Status
-----------------------------------------------
1/23/14 3:49P 1/23/14 1.99 FINAL

I am beyond surprised by this one, but the next test was interesting and gave me a little bit of insight:

5.
Your vitamin D level is not optimal at 10.1 ng/mL. Optimum 25-OH Vitamin D levels are > 32 ng/ml. I would like to treat you with a prescription strength of vitamin D. You will take 1 tablet 3 x a week for 4 weeks and then get a repeat lab in 5 weeks, which is ordered. Rx sent to your pharmacy.

25OH VITAMIN D TOTAL(ng/mL)
Coll Dt/Tm Resulted Value Status
-----------------------------------------------
1/23/14 3:49P 1/23/14 10.1* FINAL

Woah! Holy batman my vitamin D is Lowwwww!


So there's that update.

Then, today, I met with a Diabetes Educator today who was very pleased with my changes and progress with my diabetes. We went over carbs, different foods and the carb servings, changing up some of my snacks throughout the day, etc. etc. etc. She even went over reading food labels, which is something that I haven't 100% been properly trained to do yet.

I left her office with my head swimming. Numbers bouncing around, eat this, not that, don't even touch this, but you can have a half cup of that, 15 carbs per meal, means you can have some of this, monitor this though, round and round and round it goes.

I don't know why, but now I'm just in a funk. I'm upset, and angry, and feeling very depressed. I feel like this is never going to end and I'm so frustrated and just want to scream, "Why ME?!" People who are not diabetic don't get it. They don't get how truly difficult it is to live with and how much goes into it. I'm so tired of medications and new meds and new doctors and being told what I can and can't do when the rest of the world can just la-di-da and do whatever the hell they please.

I just keep wondering, "Does this ever end?!"

Diabetes Education

I've been thinking a LOT about doctors and the disservice that they provide to diabetics. . . It seems silly, especially with the diabetes stats. Take a look at this:

• 25.8 million Americans, 8.3% of the population, have diabetes
• 18.8 million Americans have diagnosed diabetes
• 7.0 million Americans have undiagnosed diabetes (27% of diabetes is undiagnosed)
• 1.9 million Americans aged 20 years or older are newly diagnosed with diabetes each year(5,205/day)
• Age 20 years or older: 25.6 million, or 11.3% of all people in this age group, have diabetes
• Age 65 years or older: 10.9 million, or 26.9% of all people in this age group, have diabetes
• All stats are compliments of : http://professional.diabetes.org

When I was diagnosed as a diabetic, I was told, "You need to watch what you eat and you need to lose weight. Here's your meds. We'll revisit and will see if we need to change your diagnosis." My doctor at the time was also treating my mom, and assumed she would educate me. Unfortunately, my mom does not take care of herself, either, and is stuck in a pattern of bad habits. I was stuck in it too, until I moved out, at which point I still had no idea what I was truly doing or supposed to do. I did see a dietician, and she did tell me a few small new things, but nothing I didn't already know- I'm a pretty healthy eater- I LOVE fruits and veggies.

 

Fast forward about 3 years later, and now I'm placed on insulin. I was told, "You'll dial up 5 units before you eat, and then 10 units at bedtime. . . It's like the Byetta or Victoza pen that you had used previously." and that was it. Armed with 2 new prescriptions, blurred vision (I was crying), and no clue what was coming my way, I was sent off on my own.

 

I'm figuring it out. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist next week, but I'm scared and not really sure what to expect once I get there. I'm overwhelmed, and still have a lot of questions that pop up. . .

 

What if I don't take my shot before I eat- can I take it during? after?

What if I forget a shot, should I double up later?

How long between my dinner shot and sleep shot should there be?

What if I'm up until really really late - should I take it at a "normal" sleep time or before I sleep?

 

So many questions!

 

The more people that I talk to, the more I see this is a HUGE problem. There NEEDS to be better diabetes education AT the time of diagnosis. Not a month, two months, six months, three years later!!!

 

 

A different take on New Year's Resolutions

A bad habit I'm going to break.....
                biting my nails and the loose skin around my nails

A new skill I'd like to learn.....
                 useful tasks in Microsoft Excel
A person I hope to be more like....
                 this one's hard. I don't really want to be like anyone else. I want to be the best me possible.

A good deed I'm going to do.....
                 help someone who truly needs it, but not someone who could find an alternative
A place I'd like to visit.....
                 Chicago - going with Shawn in June. I'm so very excited!!!
A book I'd like to read.....
                 I want to finish "How to live Successfully with Screwed Up People"
A letter I'm going to write....
                I want to write everything down to someone who's hurt me. I may never send it, but I want to write it, to get those thoughts down on paper.
A new food I'd like to try....
               Veggie Burgers. I have to check the nutritional values, but I'm interested in trying.
I'm going to do better at.....
                not procrastinating... Kind of like I am now ;) 

2014 is going to be my bitch!

I've said that my new year's resolution is to make 2014 my bitch, but I've been vague about what that means... So, with that said, here are my goals:
 1. January: 30 day "Jump Into Fitness" challenge from Lynn Manning
http://women.fit2fat2fit.com/blog/2013/12/15/30-day-jumpstart-into-better-health-program-info#.UsRhtsko7IV
 2. My January goal is to lose 7.5 lbs.
 3. My overall yearly goal, at that rate, would be to lose 90 lbs. My total goal, which is not yearly, but overall, is to lose 114. If I could lose that full 90, I'd be soooo very close! This year, it could actually happen!
4. 2014: embrace a low carb diet. learn it, enjoy it, and make it mine.
5. lower my reliance on diabetic medications, including insulin and metformin
6. lower my reliance on medications for GERD
7. lower my BMI count by 10.5 points. If I lower my BMI by 10.5 points, I won't have lost my yearly total of 90 lbs, but would lose 59, which would be amazing. I'd be more than happy with that :)

 8. To strengthen my health overall: mental, spiritual, physical, social, environmental, and emotional.
          Mental: keep seeing my counselor. Eliminate stress.
          Spiritual: I'm pretty sound, but would like to kick it up a notch
          Physical: work out more, lose weight, lower my Blood Sugar
          Social: see more friends. Get out more.
          Environmental: make changes to the house we're living in. De-Clutter.
          Emotional: focus on positive thinking. Keep seeing my counselor.

9. Make this one of the most memorable years possible with my husband, as it's our first FULL married year <3