When Nightmares Become Reality

I had a follow up appointment with my primary physician tonight. He was glad to hear that I'll be seeing a new Endocrinologist, and didn't have much to say when I told him that I really did not like the nurse practitioner at the first office that I had visited. I showed him a screen shot of my sugar pattern lately, which looks little bit like a breathing chart (with massive spikes and falls). Here's what he saw:

If you're not diabetic, you may not understand, so let me explain. This is a graph of my blood sugar readings. I test upwards of 4 times per day - when I wake up, after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner or right before bed, depending on how it's going. Some of these readings are on the same day (they're really close together). The magic number that I was shooting for was 120. You can see that the lowest I had ever gotten was 158. The highest was 358, or, in other words, 3 times what it should have been. Yuck!

He looked at me and asked, "So, why aren't you on Insulin?" I laughed and said, "Well, you're the doctor, you tell me."

I kind of knew we were headed here. I'm not happy about it though. I know it's hard to understand, and a lot of people think that I'm overreacting. But, let me explain. I've been cutting back on foods, exercising more, and calorie/carb counting like it's no one's business. I've been taking my meds regularly and testing my sugars regularly. I feel like I'm doing everything I could (okay, maybe not everything, but pretty close) and I feel like I have failed myself. The fact is that I can't fix what's wrong with me. I can't fix my sugar. Maybe I could have done more. I know I could have. Maybe I had too many cheat meals. Maybe I waited too long before taking it serious. I have let down... myself. The hardest realization is when you know that you have done nothing but mess with your own results and have let yourself down.

This all being said, now I'm being placed on insulin. The first will be "Lantus." Here's what I've learned about it tonight:
Lantus gives a steady release of insulin overnight and between meals to help control blood sugar for a full 24 hours.
Prefilled pen, uses a small, thin needle
Push button injection  (similar to Byetta or Victoza, both of which I've taken before).

The second insulin injection that I'll be on is "Humalog." This is a shorter action insulin that I'll take before each meal. This will help combat some of the spiking of my sugar, especially after eating.

It's a new journey, and a long road ahead. I can't say that I'm looking forward to this, but I am looking forward to feeling "normal" again and maybe not so tired and sluggish all the time.

My appointment with the new endo is in January, so that'll be a new journey as well, and we'll see what he has to offer.